Wednesday, December 22, 2010

wallowing

so i'm surfing my facebook page during a brief moment of quiet (i've been up to my freaking eyeballs in cookies), and i come across a video where my half-sister is tagged.

i click on it and find myself interested, then amused, then a little heartbroken.

i actually have two half-sisters.  i loved and adored the older one when she was born, up until i wasn't allowed to see her anymore.  and then the second was born just three years before the teen entered the world.  i only ever met her two or three times.  and in between them is my half-brother.

anyway, i'm watching this video and it's very professional-looking.  it's obviously been created to screen at her eighteenth birthday - which is a big milestone for my people.  kind of like the mexican 15-year-old's quinceaƱera, or a high society's debutante ball.  there are tons of pictures, videos of her performances at talent shows, a voice-over of her life thus far.  she's quite accomplished - a talented entertainer, hardworking, a nursing student.  and she's adorable to boot.

but as i'm looking at these pictures of her as she goes from infanthood to grade school to high school and beyond, all i see is my father.  he's the proud, beaming daddy who's present every step of the way through all three kids' childhoods.

and i am sad.

i've spent all these years telling myself that it doesn't matter anymore.  i don't care.  if he doesn't want to be in my life, doesn't give a shit, can't be bothered - hey, cool.  you have a nice life.

yet right in front of me is solid proof that he was a good father to three other children who look like they've grown into really awesome adults.  he was there to support them during all of their ups and downs, watched them grow up, was just...there.

but not for me.

i was his firstborn.  he was a good daddy to me all the way until i was thirteen and he and my mom split up.  and then he met the stepmonster and it was all over for me.  how on earth are you somebody's parent for thirteen years and then one day decide "well, that's it.  i'm done, i don't want to be your dad anymore"??

then apparently, had three new children and loved them more than he loved me.  why?

why the hell couldn't he love me and be there for me, too?  WHY??

i'm a good person.  i'm super fun, totally cute (heh), fairly smart, and pretty stinking entertaining if you ask me.  i've grown into a person i'm completely happy with, and i'm really content with my life.  why wouldn't i be?  i have a lot to be grateful for.

obviously, i didn't need him to become who i am today.  but dammit, it sure would've been nice to have the option.

30 comments:

  1. That really sucks. I'm so sorry. My FIL has done something similar to his firstborn (DH's half sister)--although he wasn't a particularly good father to the 4 children from his second marriage (in fact, he was pretty awful). But nonetheless, I don't have an ounce of respect for him because of what he has done to his first daughter.

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  2. Wow, I could have written your post myself. Somewhat of a similar situation, I'm the first born, my parents divorced when I was 8. Dad got remarried and had two more daughters. He lives in another country and I've seen him once in the last 21 years. He's close with my younger sister which I am glad for her sake. I don't think of him often but when I do, it also breaks my heart. How does one have a child that they don't ever communicate with?!

    Anyway, I feel your pain. Hang in there, you have a beautiful family of your own. =)

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  3. It's sad, and I'm sorry about how things turned out for you. I don't think there are any good answers as to 'why?'. It would help to focus on your happy life and know that he acted on his choices and any negative outcome is all on his shoulders. On his and his alone.
    Funny how people don't ever look back and learn.

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  4. That is so hard. :( I am lost as to why parents do this. But, I do know is that he lost out ... big time. You are wonderful and his actions have nothing to do with you. Hugs.

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  5. [hugs]

    I don't know what to say, other than the fact that you have so many people who love you and care about you.

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  6. I'm sorry :[ sending you lots of hugs. You're only human. It's ok to feel the way you do.

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  7. Dude. Sad. I didn't know. After having a child of my own with another on the way I can't comprehend it either. 13 years is a long time. You are amazing. Don't forget that. Don't be sad. You have tons of love you and follow you and your blog. =)

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  8. i don't get how someone can do that either. and the only thing i could say is screw him, it's definitely HIS loss!

    hugs to you..lots and lots of hugs

    xoxo

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  9. I've been trying to think of something comforting to say for 5 minutes. All I can say is you have no idea how much I understand what you're feeling. And I think you are absolutely fabulous and have no doubt there are hundreds of people who agree.

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  10. You are an amazing woman and a wonderful mom. I cant understand how you feel - but can only encourage you to focus on the positive and your resent - continue to build your family w the hub, teen and bean. Know that you are giving them the love a family needs and find comfort in that. {{{{Hugs}}}}
    Now stop wallowing and go bake cookies - :)

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  11. As someone who could also have written this post with the exception that I was an only child, I can totally relate to this feeling. My father passed away before I could ever put any closure to this issue. I don't know you personally, but follow your blog and think that you are an amazing woman and should be so proud of yourself and the life you've created in spite of your relationship with your father!

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  13. We've experienced something similar in our family. My dad is remarried and has 2 kids with my stepmom. He brags about them all of the time and is really a wonderful fatehr to them. But it's been at the sake of his relaionship with my sister and me. I can empathize with how you feel. {{{hugs}}}

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  14. He missed out--on knowing a wonderful person. I've followed your blog for awhile, but this is my first comment (I think). You deserved more, but you've made a wonderful life. I feel sad for him.

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  15. You forgot "humble" in the second to last paragraph :) He he he...sorry, I wont pretend to know what it's like, but you know we love you and I'm giving him a big fat middle finger for you!

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  16. He is the hat of the ass. And you are the cream of the crop.

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  17. So sorry to hear this, what a crappy situation he created for you. I learned at a very young age that parents were real people too, not superhuman people that would always save the day. Sometimes people are jerks and lose their way, and its horrible that as children we have to learn that from people we hold very high in our hearts. I love reading your blog and hearing about your family, you all beam love and happiness off the screen, and while you know you turned out ok, the best part is, you definitely rock at the parent thing, and have created one awesome family.

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  18. hugs

    You are awesome. He's an idiot.

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  19. you's the shit. hugs, kisses, snorty laughs and photos with blurred crotches (haha) from me. i love you.

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  20. =( I'm sorry. I wish that I could give you a hug right this minute. You are a wonderful person and it is entirely his loss for not having participated in your life.

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  21. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. My husband has to go through the same thing.
    I know I don't know you in real life, but I've been following your blog for quite a while (I'm a Nestie, too), and from what I see on here, I know you're fabulous regardless of your past. ((Hugs))

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  22. Sorry Wan. My grandfather did the same thing to my dad. I see how it hurts him and I'm sorry you have to go through that too. You are too sweet and it's truly his loss. ::hugs::

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  23. I truly am sorry that you did not get the unconditional love every child should have. I have a "broken" parent myself...just this Thanksgiving I called their house to say Hi and the phone was disconnected- they had moved and hadn't told me or my sister(I knew it was going to happen, but no idea when and a month later, I still don't have their knew address...it's not antagonistic on their part- they just are very self centered and don't think of others). So, I get it and I hope that you know that your father is the one who missed the most, because he is missing out everyday on the fabulousness that is you and your girls.

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  24. I could have written this myself. My parent divorced when my brother and I were 7. We had a short lived period where we would visit randomly until we were about 11 or 12 and then we did not see him or speak to him at all.
    I also have an older half-brother from my dad's previous relationship which I have never met and my dad has no relationship with. After my parents divorced, he remarried a woman with a child and they had a child together. It was shortly after their marriage and birth of their child that my dad stopped contact with us.
    It broke my heart that he would just cast us by the wayside without a look back. It seemed that in every relationship, after he had a child with the new woman he would forget about the previous children.
    I saw him at my wedding 5 years ago (where my brother walked me down the aisle)for about 10 minutes total. He has since missed being a part of his first grandchild's life. We sent him a Christmas card the past 2 years so that he could see a picture of the baby and that is it.
    While it hurts to see that your dad was a better father to his other children than he was to you, know that it makes you a stronger, better person because of it. There is never an answer for the why and even if there was it probably wouldn't be a good one or one that you would even want to hear.
    I sometimes wish that my dad would come to his senses and realize how horrible he made me feel and apologize for what he's done to us but I don't think that would make much difference now.
    You can't change the past but you did change the future. It gave you the opportunity to see what kind of man you don't want for your children. You gave them the childhood that you didn't get.
    I'm sorry this is so long. Just know that there are many people out there that feel the same way that you do, you are definitely not alone.

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  25. {{{{hugs}}}}

    you are pretty damn awesome, if I say so myself!

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