the mom struggle is so real

so.  i’m 54 years old, and i have a 30-year-old and an 18-year-old (plus a bonus almost-30-year-old AND an almost 4-month old grandchild).  i’ve been a mom for longer than i haven’t (and am also currently very very very perimenopausal).

and whoa, am i struggling.  warning:  this post is gonna be all over the place as i sort out my feelings and basically use you as a therapist while you read it.

like…why don’t people talk more about this slightly insane stage of life?  aside from the perimenopausal symptoms (which, by the way, are far more than just hot flashes and night sweats and mood swings and should probably be a whole separate post), why do we not talk more about how incredibly difficult it is to figure out how to stop being a mom - or, at least, find a way to deal with the fact that you’re entering into a whole new chapter that you never really saw coming?  

i think back to all those days of shuttling the bean around to and from school, plus all of the various extracurricular activities:  soccer practices. games. dance classes. cheer practices. cheer competitions. art lessons. girl scout troop meetings. birthday parties. squeezing in homework in the car on the way. waking up early for saturday sessions. i alternated between enjoying the constant activity and dreaming of the time when i’d be able to just stay home and chill.

but now - now, i find myself tearfully looking back at photos that facebook so rudely sends my way under cover of “memories” and wishing i could hop into a time machine and go back.  back to when i worked with my fellow class parents to coordinate school parties.  attend awards ceremonies and cheer loudly whenever the bean received one of those silly certificates.  plan fun, out-of-the-box activities with my troop co-leader for our girl scouts to earn badges.  i mean…i wouldn’t want to have to deal with car line at school or a few people i didn’t really enjoy being around, but for the most part?  yeah, i’d take it all back in a hot second.

these days, the bean is very much the young adult that we’ve raised them to be.  they’re independent and smart.  enjoying senior year with their first boyfriend, spending lots of time together and hanging out with their circle of friends.  long gone are the days of chatting in the car on the way to and from school, replaced with me walking them out of the house in the morning and waving as they drive off in their own car.  and as of october 1st, a legal adult at 18 years old, working on college applications, thinking ahead to what kind of careers they might be interested in pursuing, considering a potential move to the east coast to spend four years earning a degree.

i hate it all.

well, i take that back.  i guess i don’t really hate it, because i’m proud of this child and am excited to see what the future holds for them.  but when i think about not seeing them every day, of not being just down the hall on any given day (whether they’re in the next town over, out on the west side or *gulp* a five-hour flight away), i’m just…sad.  they’re not even gone yet and i already miss my baby.  we spent so much time together, the two of us, over the last eighteen years.  now it wasn’t always perfect, of course.  but you know how it is when you’re reminiscing about old times - you focus more on the good parts.  

parenting the bean has been very different from parenting the old lady, mostly because i only got to have her every other week.  but we managed to have as much fun as possible during the times that she was home with us.  i was class parent for her during her last year of elementary school, took her and her friends to lots of concerts, traveled as much as we were able to, went out to the west side for all kinds of shenanigans.  the old lady was much more independent and headstrong though, and somehow she made it easier for me to watch her go through the stages of growing up.  and seeing her now, as she begins her own journey through parenthood, i’m incredibly proud of her and the old man as they work together to raise the little miss.

and that brings me to the other thing that nobody ever seems to talk about:  being a grandparent is WEIRD.  you see this amazing new little human who’s been created by a human that you created.  but you have to make sure that you stay way, way back and not hover too much, don’t overstep the boundaries, not try too hard.  i totally remember the days of first-time parenthood - you want to do it all.  you’re grateful for the help that is offered to you, but you want to soak it all in and keep that baby to yourself.  

and so i’ve found that being on this side of it is hard.  so, so very hard.  if i were allowed to, i’d just hold that sweet little one for hours and hours, handle all the tasks that cover those three basics:  eat, sleep, poop.  but of course, she is not my baby.  she is my baby’s baby, and she has two wonderful parents who are doing an amazing job of taking care of her and don’t need me.  i’m sure that all of this is magnified in my case because we live in the same house, instead of being across town or something.  i’m lucky enough to see her all the time which i’m really grateful for because she recognizes me.  i get that adorable smile every morning, and just tonight she gave me the gift of her sweet laughter as i made silly faces and chattered to her.

when i mention that i’m struggling with letting go of the bean, people say “but you have a new baby in the house now!”  and while that is technically true, again - the little miss is not my baby.  nor am i trying to or want to replace the bean in any way.  and i know that one day, the little family will move out to be in their own place - which they absolutely deserve.  and between that day and the one when the bean moves out for college, i’m going to have to learn how to let go.  i hope the hub is ready for lots and lots of extra quality time together, heh.

i’m always gonna be a mom.  i know that.  i’ll just be shifting gears into a new phase of motherhood, one that i should be ready to embrace.  i watch other parents do it, and i marvel at how at ease they seem to be about it all.  i hope that i’ll be able to make that transition as smoothly.

who am i kidding?  i’m gonna be a hot mess.

see…i TOLD you this post was gonna be all over the place.  ugh.