Thursday, April 17, 2008

forgiveness

how do you find it in your heart to forgive someone for doing something really bad to you? especially when all you really want to say is "eat shit and die, you evil motherfucker."

i find myself in the unenviable position of needing to do this - not only to give myself some closure, but also to help someone else who is unfortunately affected, and yet was totally innocent. i was victimized many, many moons ago, and i've managed to make my peace with it, move on, and mostly forget about it. but a totally random course of events occurred recently, which brought it all back up to the surface.

it's forcing me to deal with all the emotions and memories again, which sucks ass. and even worse, i've had to actually talk about it to others who were blissfully ignorant of it all for so many years. i'm sad for them, because it's new and fresh information that was quite a shock, and i was also a little sad for me. not only am i reliving it all again, but i had to watch these people that i love as they went through shock, sadness, and rage - and i found myself unable to shed a single tear.

and it's become pretty clear to me that in order for them to heal, forgive, and forget, the process begins with me. i need to find it somewhere within myself to forgive this man for what he did to me so long ago, so that the others can do the same.

because i've done it before, i already know i can deal with it, forget it, and continue to live my life, which is one i love and am proud of. but forgiving is quite a different story. i can sure say the words - but i've got to be able to say them and actually mean them.

so if you pray, will you do so for me? and if you don't, maybe you can just send me some positive and happy vibes. this is something i really need to do, and i'm going to need all the help i can get.

and to that wonderful, supportive, loving group of women who've already helped me thus far - i thank you and i love you.

ugh. i need to get back to my silly, superficial posts. yeah. i'm right on top of that, rose.

16 comments:

  1. I pray and you'll be in my prayers J.

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  2. I don't pray but all the goodness I can muster is saved up just for you. I have a feeling I can relate to what you are going through, so if you need it, I am here.

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  3. I'm thinking good thoughts for you and yours.

    And that last line made me laugh out loud. :)

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  4. I will be thinking positive thoughts for you. I'm sorry.

    The last line made me smile too.

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  5. You are on my prayer list. I know you will find the strength to do this. All my best intentions.

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  6. you know you're already on my prayer list. you are such a strong woman and i know that you are going to get through this. i'm always here if you need me.

    {{hugs}}

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  7. You're a bigger person than I am. (Well, actually you're much smaller, but that's not what I mean.)

    Knowing what I know, I wouldn't forgive in this situation. Nobody who does that should be forgiven in my book.

    And I am of the belief that it is not your duty to do so simply for others to be able to feel better.

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  8. I don't know what you are going through, but just follow your intuition. If forgiving someone doesn't feel right, and you are just doing it for the sake of others, I think you will live to regret it. You have to do things for the right reasons. Take care of yourself first.

    Hugs, my dear. Positive energy going your way :)

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  9. done, done, and done.

    something that someone i respect once told me has stuck with me. in essence, it's that forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. it's OK if there are certain things you can forget but not forgive and vice versa. you don't *have* to do both for every situation, necessarily. yeah, we are commanded to forgive, but it can be a very vey long process and that's OK.

    anyway, prayer list it is because i'm just talking out of my clueless and unwise butt.

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  10. You and me. Two peas. One pod. I will pray. Therapy is great too.

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  11. I will be praying for you as well as your loved ones.

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  12. I'm sending you my positive and happy vibes. [hugs]

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  13. I don't know what it is you need to forgive, but I trust that it is something very difficult indeed. The word victimized is very strong and upsetting. So, if you feel you need to forgive, then I really hope you have the strength to do so. I will be thinking happy and strong thoughts for you about being able to do that. Sometimes I don't think about forgiveness in the sense that I won't ever feel sad or mad about it or that person anymore, but that those feelings don't allow me to move on with my life; and it they also don't do anything to the other person. They don't know--they're going on living their life. So it's only hurting me, and not sending hateful bad karmic vibes their way. So to make my life easier, I just let it go. It's not quite the same as forgiveness, but it works for me.

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  14. I couldn't have said it better than tater. I'm sending loads of good thoughts in your direction.

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  15. Hang in there. You know I'm here for you.

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  16. I don't think anyone with any sense would fault you for not forgiving. To do so would be divine, but you've already proven that you don't need to in order to have a happy, productive life. At any rate, you know I'm here for whatever you need whether it's a laugh or a listen. You are not alone.


    Are you singing that song in your head yet? ;)

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