how do you find it in your heart to forgive someone for doing something really bad to you? especially when all you really want to say is "eat shit and die, you evil motherfucker."
i find myself in the unenviable position of needing to do this - not only to give myself some closure, but also to help someone else who is unfortunately affected, and yet was totally innocent. i was victimized many, many moons ago, and i've managed to make my peace with it, move on, and mostly forget about it. but a totally random course of events occurred recently, which brought it all back up to the surface.
it's forcing me to deal with all the emotions and memories again, which sucks ass. and even worse, i've had to actually talk about it to others who were blissfully ignorant of it all for so many years. i'm sad for them, because it's new and fresh information that was quite a shock, and i was also a little sad for me. not only am i reliving it all again, but i had to watch these people that i love as they went through shock, sadness, and rage - and i found myself unable to shed a single tear.
and it's become pretty clear to me that in order for them to heal, forgive, and forget, the process begins with me. i need to find it somewhere within myself to forgive this man for what he did to me so long ago, so that the others can do the same.
because i've done it before, i already know i can deal with it, forget it, and continue to live my life, which is one i love and am proud of. but forgiving is quite a different story. i can sure say the words - but i've got to be able to say them and actually mean them.
so if you pray, will you do so for me? and if you don't, maybe you can just send me some positive and happy vibes. this is something i really need to do, and i'm going to need all the help i can get.
and to that wonderful, supportive, loving group of women who've already helped me thus far - i thank you and i love you.
ugh. i need to get back to my silly, superficial posts. yeah. i'm right on top of that, rose.