wallowing

so i'm surfing my facebook page during a brief moment of quiet (i've been up to my freaking eyeballs in cookies), and i come across a video where my half-sister is tagged.

i click on it and find myself interested, then amused, then a little heartbroken.

i actually have two half-sisters.  i loved and adored the older one when she was born, up until i wasn't allowed to see her anymore.  and then the second was born just three years before the teen entered the world.  i only ever met her two or three times.  and in between them is my half-brother.

anyway, i'm watching this video and it's very professional-looking.  it's obviously been created to screen at her eighteenth birthday - which is a big milestone for my people.  kind of like the mexican 15-year-old's quinceañera, or a high society's debutante ball.  there are tons of pictures, videos of her performances at talent shows, a voice-over of her life thus far.  she's quite accomplished - a talented entertainer, hardworking, a nursing student.  and she's adorable to boot.

but as i'm looking at these pictures of her as she goes from infanthood to grade school to high school and beyond, all i see is my father.  he's the proud, beaming daddy who's present every step of the way through all three kids' childhoods.

and i am sad.

i've spent all these years telling myself that it doesn't matter anymore.  i don't care.  if he doesn't want to be in my life, doesn't give a shit, can't be bothered - hey, cool.  you have a nice life.

yet right in front of me is solid proof that he was a good father to three other children who look like they've grown into really awesome adults.  he was there to support them during all of their ups and downs, watched them grow up, was just...there.

but not for me.

i was his firstborn.  he was a good daddy to me all the way until i was thirteen and he and my mom split up.  and then he met the stepmonster and it was all over for me.  how on earth are you somebody's parent for thirteen years and then one day decide "well, that's it.  i'm done, i don't want to be your dad anymore"??

then apparently, had three new children and loved them more than he loved me.  why?

why the hell couldn't he love me and be there for me, too?  WHY??

i'm a good person.  i'm super fun, totally cute (heh), fairly smart, and pretty stinking entertaining if you ask me.  i've grown into a person i'm completely happy with, and i'm really content with my life.  why wouldn't i be?  i have a lot to be grateful for.

obviously, i didn't need him to become who i am today.  but dammit, it sure would've been nice to have the option.

fun, more fun, and - oh.

lots of little bits and pieces to share, but none enough to devote an entire post to. i hereby present monday randomness:

cousin r, my MOH and the teen's ninang (godmother), is in town till today for a friend's wedding. we were lucky enough to meet up with her on thursday afternoon so she could see the teen for a late birthday treat:

we were at santa anita mall, to wander and check out the new promenade section that just opened. i was surprised to find out that it was outdoors, which is pretty but makes for some hot & sweaty shoppin'.

beard papa has their own cute little kiosk/bungalow thingy, with cute little seating between it and the smoothie joint.

it was nice to see r and chat and catch up, and i'm also excited to meet up with her later today to have some dim sum. she's getting as many ethnic eats as she can in one weekend. denver doesn't exactly offer a whole lotta diversity in the food department.

the bean is getting the hang of the coloring thing. she hasn't put the crayolas in her mouth in quite a while, since she discovered that rubbing 'em on paper (and tables) is way more fun.

she found one of my socks under the couch and decided it'd be a great idea to put one on like a glove, and then try to fish crackers out of her snack trap. and then go "shopping," with the dog looking on.

"gawd, mom, do you have to take pictures so stinking close-up? geez."

at the ILs', she has her own set of toys, including a baby doll stroller that she loves to push around. and when she gets tired, she likes to squeeze her own tushie into it and watch tv.

have you seen the jack-in-the-box commercial for their mini sirloin burgers? the one with the midget? i was humming the song as i sat in the drive-thru, waiting for mine. they're really tasty, btw. i just wish i'd known that bacon was an option when i ordered 'em. ah well, next time.

last week was a bit of a zucchinipalooza at the wan house. i made some delicious honey butter zucchini bread (with hand-grated zucchini, yo):

then, i made a zucchini pasta recipe using a rachael ray recipe. it's out of one of her books, so i can't find it online, but if you want it, e-mail me. it's a great veggie recipe, although i couldn't help but sprinkle my own serving (and the hub's) with some bacon bits.

the bean's learning how to use a spoon all by her own self! i handed her a mini yogurt cup and let her go to town. she was mostly successful, but she gets bored using the spoon and tries to take a short cut. cheaters never win, honey.

and, the last bit of randomness. it's truly mind-bottling (i hope you've seen "blades of glory," because if not, you'll just think i'm dumb. well, you might anyway, so that'd just add to it).

remember the bio-dad saga? i hadn't forgotten that they were supposedly planning to move back sometime this year. and i was getting periodic e-mails from his wife - although mostly invitations to join some shitty networking websites that i usually declined. i'll never understand why he always chooses to have his relatives contact me rather than give it the ol' college try himself. anyway, i happened to check my facebook the other day (who am i kidding - i look at that thing practically hourly, thanks to the app on my trusty iPhone) and found an e-mail from her on it. i clicked immediately.

it basically said "we're here," gave an address and phone number, and "hope to see you soon, we're leaving for the homeland on the 28th." [needle scratches off of record]

huh? i literally shook my head and made the scooby-doo noise. so i e-mailed her back to ask if they were coming back after that trip, or if they were going back to stay. this weekend was jam-packed already, and with my new gig starting tomorrow, that didn't really leave much time for a visit.

after a couple more confusing responses, i finally got the story. they've been here for two weeks and have just been "too busy" to contact me any sooner. their kids are going back to the homeland to start college, and so they've decided to stay there for at least two more years. they won't be moving back here after all, but "please stay in touch and give our regards to your family.

yeah, okay. whatever. just another incident to file away in the "super disappointing and yet absolutely not shocking" category.

i'm just going to enjoy my last day as a jobless mofo and move on. happy memorial day indeed.

reality check

one of my oldest and dearest friends, MommyBelle (no, i don't mean that she's old as dirt or anything, i've just known her forever), gave me a great little pep talk yesterday that made me realize that perhaps i've made it sound as though i'm thinking that i'm going to be part of a brand-new big ol' happy family.

fuck no. past history has taught me a lesson that's going to be damn hard to forget.

while i'm cautiously excited about having reconnected with dear ol' dad (via telephone, at least), i haven't forgotten that this could have happened a hell of a long time ago. when i'd fled the house of evil (the ex's, of course) so many years ago, with only the things i truly needed, i'd left behind tons and tons of stuff - like address books, the teen's baby book and pictures, my own box of childhood pictures, and other sentimental crap like that. the ex was pretty bitter and angry back then and wouldn't let me go back to pick up anything i'd left behind. and bio-dad was always freakishly paranoid about keeping his number and address unlisted. so i had no way of finding him - but he still had my information.

i still think it's odd - why would auntie random have decided to find me now? especially since she's taking off for BFE (sorry, ssinca!) next weekend. it's not like we were going to be able to build any kind of lasting relationship. and she's been in that house since 19-freaking-90 - only a half-hour's drive away.

and bio-dad's excuse of "we've been so busy, sorry we didn't call sooner" was weak. "busy"? for twelve freaking years? as nanette says, lame-dash-o.

oh, well. i'm just going to take MB's words to heart and take it slowly. we'll see what happens as time goes by and bio-dad's return to the states gets closer. i already sent him an e-mail yesterday with some pictures of the wan family, and i haven't heard back from him yet. shocker.

thanks, MB, for pulling me back down to earth.

oh, and i love you, too!

reconnecting: the sequel

let's do this yay!/boo. style, shall we?

the bean fell asleep and took a nice, long nap. yay!
she dozed off right as it was time to get ready and go to gymboree class. boo.

we got to pick up the teen from school (it's not my week, but when school's in session, i get to pick her up and take her to her tutoring session), and it was minimum day, so we got extra bonus time with her. yay!
when it was time to take her to the session, there was no one to be found at the tutoring facility. boo.

rather than go back to her dad's right away, she wanted to join the bean and me on our visit to auntie random. yay!
this meant that i had to pick up the phone, call the ex, and damn near grovel to "borrow" the teen for a few hours, since it's HIS week. boo.

he was surprisingly, amazingly, shockingly cordial and had no problem with letting this happen. yay!
the teen and i both agreed that she'd probably face his wrath for our stolen hours when she got back to his house (which, thankfully, didn't happen). boo.

we hit no traffic whatsoever heading down to auntie random's house, out in the south bay area. yay!
this meant we got there far too early, and even looking for a store to buy some flowers didn't kill any time. boo.

she was happy, smiling, and welcoming when we got there, and i thought, "hey, maybe this won't be so weird and awkward after all." yay!
within minutes of entering the house and making the introductions (which was comical to me, considering i'd never actually met this woman before - at least that i could remember), she made a beeline for the phone and dialed up bio-dad, immediately throwing me into a state of anxiety and nervousness. seriously, y'all, i was rooted to the floor, but with what i hoped was a convincing smile on my face. boo.

there was quite a spread of homemade, yummy-smelling filipino food on the table, just waiting for us to dig in. yay!
the teen doesn't do filipino food, and we'd just eaten only an hour before we arrived. boo.

bio-dad, upon learning that we were there for our visit, wasted not a second in asking to talk to me, making me feel a little more at ease about this long-awaited quasi-reunion. yay!
i took the phone with a shaky hand, heart pounding in my throat, while the teen took the bean into her arms and looked at me with nervous, worried eyes. boo.

as soon as i heard that cheerful, familiar-yet-not voice say "hello, anak!" (anak is tagalog for child, and is used in place of "son" or "daughter." my mom calls me this, too), i relaxed and fell right into easy conversation with...my dad. yay!
being that he was halfway around the world, 16-ish hours by plane away in the homeland, there was this funky ass, approximately 3-second lag that made conversing somewhat difficult. boo.

we chatted for quite a while, catching up on each others' lives, cracking old corny jokes that apparently have managed to withstand the test of time. yay!
after 45 minutes, the calling card we were using (because it's cheap as hell to call internationally vs. using regular long-distance service) ran out, i heard "your card has now expired," and the line cut out abruptly before we could say goodbye. boo.

during the conversation, i got their e-mail address (still smirking somewhat at the thought of my dad using a computer), found out that they're preparing to move back stateside early next year, and learned that my brother and sister are already here, living in san diego. yay!
they're living with their mother, that crazy psycho bitch on wheels. boo.

turns out that they'd been trying to track me down over the years, searching for me on the internet - they hadn't forgotten about me after all! yay!
i'm not easy to find via the 'net. i don't use my last name on anything, and besides, even if i did, they didn't know it anyway. boo.

despite my already-full belly, i gave in to auntie random's constant invitations to partake, and enjoyed a sampling of each of the delicious dishes she'd painstakingly prepared for our visit. the bean ate, too, enjoying quite a bit of it. and then she packed up a crapload of to-go containers for us to bring home. yay!
i'm the only one who's going to eat this stuff, and there's enough of it for a freaking army. boo.

we got auntie random's son (i guess he's actually my cousin, ha!) to take a few pictures of us together before we left. yay!
in the whirlwind of packing up, slightly awkward goodbye hugs, and strapping the bean back into her car seat, we never got a picture with HIM in it. boo.

before we left, we made another date to get together for a longer visit, earlier in the day, so that we could avoid the inevitable traffic going home. yay!
the only day that we could do it was the day before auntie random is leaving to move to texas. boo.

we hit traffic on the way home, which meant we weren't going to get the teen back to her dad's on time. she called to let him know, and again, he surprised us by NOT pitching a fit about it. yay!
dropping her off, knowing we weren't going to get to see her for another few days, sucked ass. boo.

and the day ended with a yay!: since we were out in BFE, we got to meet up with the hub and have dinner together, topped off with a visit to pinkberry. YAY!

reconnecting

after nearly three months of silence - because of so many sad reasons - my mother and i finally got together yesterday afternoon.

and while it was nerve-wracking and awkward, it was also just so good to see her again. we've had such a crazy relationship over the years, and i'd classify this as one of the worst, darkest times yet. i love my mom so, and i absolutely HATE not being on good terms with her.

we talked and talked and talked and talked some more - perhaps we didn't come to any real resolutions, but some things that had been held back for weeks, months, even years finally came out. and that was freeing.

i felt sad that she shed tears, and yet i had none. and i'm such a crier - i cry at tv commercials, for the love of crap. i found this really strange.

in the end, while we're not necessarily back to the way we were (and i hope that will come in time), we're talking again. reunited, and it feels so goooooood.

she and the bean got to spend some quality time together, too. it was cute.

and now, having gotten that relationship back on track, i tackled the other issue that you've been wondering about.

i made that phone call this morning. i finally felt ready to do it, although my hands still shook as i dialed the number. and strangely enough, when auntie random answered the phone and we started talking, i didn't feel the awkwardness i'd anticipated.

even more amazing, i learned that bio-dad was the one who gave her the number and told her to call me to say "hi." well, at least he gave her the last number he had for me - which was, of course, the ex's [still current] number. turns out he (AND my half-sibs) had tried to contact me periodically, and after so many months of calling and receiving no answer, they gave up.

i feel like i should be livid that all these years of feeling abandoned could have been avoided, but i'm not. i mean, i know that the ex never answers his damn phone unless he recognizes the number on his caller ID. the teen's told me that before. and so i wonder what possessed him to answer it when auntie random called out of the blue, looking for me.

anyway, bio-dad's been living in the homeland for quite some time now, but auntie random tells me that he's preparing to come back. interesting. also interesting? the fact that two of my three half-sibs have been trying to find me - which, i suppose, isn't all that easy when they don't know what my name is anymore. she asked if it was okay to give them my number, and i enthusiastically told her "yes, please!"

and then i decided to make a date for a visit. i didn't think i was going to want to, but i guess i got caught up in the moment, and she's leaving to move to texas next month anyway. she said that she's been here in the U.S. since 19-freaking-97, and has always wanted to see me.

this changes so much, and answers so many questions. and, most of all, i feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. curiosity didn't kill THIS cat. nope. instead, i might be on my way to regaining a lost family i never wanted to admit i wanted back.

meow.

stop the ride please, i want to get off

seriously, my life is just ri-goddamned-diculous. i mean, really. i just have the most random ass shit happen at the most random ass times.
i've written about bio-dad before, and received lots of lovely, supportive comments from folks i know, and some i don't (all of which i appreciated so much!). but for the most part, my life is so full that i don't have time (or energy) to stop and brood over him. besides, it's not really in me to be emo like that. you know?

and then this morning, i see that i've got a voice mail message on my cell phone. the teen is off with BFF and family till tomorrow, livin' it up at a beach house and enjoying the precious few days left of summer vacation, so i figured it was her.

yeah, not so much.

"hi, this is auntie random, your father's sister. my phone number is 555-555-1234 (obviously, i made that up. don't be calling that number or anything). okay, bye."

jigga-wha? jigga-who??

at first, i thought it was a wrong number - i hadn't caught the name and the rest of the message was kind of mumbled and spoken with a heavy accent. but then i remembered seeing a missed call on sunday from that same phone number, and rewound the message and listened to it again.

i scrambled to write down the number, my mind spinning off into a thousand different directions. i mean, really? how'd she even get my number? bio-dad doesn't know i remarried, let alone my new last name. i doubt he knows my mom's current surname, either. and unless i'm WAY off, i highly doubt he surfs the 'net - although even if he did, googling my name doesn't really bring up anything that would lead him to me.

not to mention, why now? what the hell could she possibly want with a niece she hasn't been in touch with in over twenty freaking years? all i can imagine is arranging to meet up and enduring an incredibly awkward hour or so, reminiscing about a past i don't give a shit about anymore and catching up on lives i don't feel any connection to whatsoever.

or worse, what if she has bad news to deliver? dun dun dun!

but y'all know me. curiosity will most definitely kill wan. and so of course, i'll suck it up at some point today, pick up the phone, and call the number. as the hub said this morning, i won't be able to sit still until i find out what's up.

ugh.