after nearly three months of silence - because of so many sad reasons - my mother and i finally got together yesterday afternoon.
and while it was nerve-wracking and awkward, it was also just so good to see her again. we've had such a crazy relationship over the years, and i'd classify this as one of the worst, darkest times yet. i love my mom so, and i absolutely HATE not being on good terms with her.
we talked and talked and talked and talked some more - perhaps we didn't come to any real resolutions, but some things that had been held back for weeks, months, even years finally came out. and that was freeing.
i felt sad that she shed tears, and yet i had none. and i'm such a crier - i cry at tv commercials, for the love of crap. i found this really strange.
in the end, while we're not necessarily back to the way we were (and i hope that will come in time), we're talking again. reunited, and it feels so goooooood.
she and the bean got to spend some quality time together, too. it was cute.
and now, having gotten that relationship back on track, i tackled the other issue that you've been wondering about.
i made that phone call this morning. i finally felt ready to do it, although my hands still shook as i dialed the number. and strangely enough, when auntie random answered the phone and we started talking, i didn't feel the awkwardness i'd anticipated.
even more amazing, i learned that bio-dad was the one who gave her the number and told her to call me to say "hi." well, at least he gave her the last number he had for me - which was, of course, the ex's [still current] number. turns out he (AND my half-sibs) had tried to contact me periodically, and after so many months of calling and receiving no answer, they gave up.
i feel like i should be livid that all these years of feeling abandoned could have been avoided, but i'm not. i mean, i know that the ex never answers his damn phone unless he recognizes the number on his caller ID. the teen's told me that before. and so i wonder what possessed him to answer it when auntie random called out of the blue, looking for me.
anyway, bio-dad's been living in the homeland for quite some time now, but auntie random tells me that he's preparing to come back. interesting. also interesting? the fact that two of my three half-sibs have been trying to find me - which, i suppose, isn't all that easy when they don't know what my name is anymore. she asked if it was okay to give them my number, and i enthusiastically told her "yes, please!"
and then i decided to make a date for a visit. i didn't think i was going to want to, but i guess i got caught up in the moment, and she's leaving to move to texas next month anyway. she said that she's been here in the U.S. since 19-freaking-97, and has always wanted to see me.
this changes so much, and answers so many questions. and, most of all, i feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. curiosity didn't kill THIS cat. nope. instead, i might be on my way to regaining a lost family i never wanted to admit i wanted back.