so i'm surfing my facebook page during a brief moment of quiet (i've been up to my freaking eyeballs in cookies), and i come across a video where my half-sister is tagged.
i click on it and find myself interested, then amused, then a little heartbroken.
i actually have two half-sisters. i loved and adored the older one when she was born, up until i wasn't allowed to see her anymore. and then the second was born just three years before the teen entered the world. i only ever met her two or three times. and in between them is my half-brother.
anyway, i'm watching this video and it's very professional-looking. it's obviously been created to screen at her eighteenth birthday - which is a big milestone for my people. kind of like the mexican 15-year-old's quinceañera, or a high society's debutante ball. there are tons of pictures, videos of her performances at talent shows, a voice-over of her life thus far. she's quite accomplished - a talented entertainer, hardworking, a nursing student. and she's adorable to boot.
but as i'm looking at these pictures of her as she goes from infanthood to grade school to high school and beyond, all i see is my father. he's the proud, beaming daddy who's present every step of the way through all three kids' childhoods.
and i am sad.
i've spent all these years telling myself that it doesn't matter anymore. i don't care. if he doesn't want to be in my life, doesn't give a shit, can't be bothered - hey, cool. you have a nice life.
yet right in front of me is solid proof that he was a good father to three other children who look like they've grown into really awesome adults. he was there to support them during all of their ups and downs, watched them grow up, was just...there.
but not for me.
i was his firstborn. he was a good daddy to me all the way until i was thirteen and he and my mom split up. and then he met the stepmonster and it was all over for me. how on earth are you somebody's parent for thirteen years and then one day decide "well, that's it. i'm done, i don't want to be your dad anymore"??
then apparently, had three new children and loved them more than he loved me. why?
why the hell couldn't he love me and be there for me, too? WHY??
i'm a good person. i'm super fun, totally cute (heh), fairly smart, and pretty stinking entertaining if you ask me. i've grown into a person i'm completely happy with, and i'm really content with my life. why wouldn't i be? i have a lot to be grateful for.
obviously, i didn't need him to become who i am today. but dammit, it sure would've been nice to have the option.