death is weird

yeah.

like, it's just bizarre how differently it can affect you depending on who's involved. i mean, i'm still heartbroken over the loss of robin williams - a man i never even got to meet. and the hub's grandmother, who we affectionately nicknamed g-wan, is in a hospital happily receiving visits from all of her family members as her heart and lungs grow ever weaker. 

my mom told me last week that chester - yes, that family member -  was in the hospital with advanced bone cancer. and as she told me the few details she knew of, i kind of just sat there and listened and waited to see what kind of reaction i'd have to it. 

and...nothing. i didn't feel a damn thing aside from the tiniest pang of guilt over the fact that i just didn't care. i wasn't at all sure what i was supposed to be feeling or thinking at the news, although I suppose that i was a little concerned over my lack of empathy. it's not really in my nature to be cold and uncaring about anything, yet i just felt...nothing. 

then a few days ago, she broke the news that he had passed away. and again, i simply. felt. nothing. don't get me wrong - while i haven't had any contact with my aunt in years, i do feel bad for the sadness and loss she must be feeling. her sons and their families are sure to be grieving the loss of their father and grandfather. i am sorry for that. but that's all i've got. and i've come to the conclusion that that's okay. 

sometimes i think back on that time a few years ago when i decided to share what had happened with the rest of the family and wonder if i made a mistake. after all, it did nothing but open this wide gap between me and those people i thought were my family. i very rarely see them anymore, and it makes me sad when i stop to think about it. i spent years with them, growing up, celebrating, laughing, living. and in an instant, all of that was gone and i found myself the outsider. hell, i was the villain to some of them - which i still to this day cannot wrap my head around. 

but i guess it's all for the best. if it was that easy for them to turn on me when instead i could've used their support, i didn't need them in my life anyway. life is too short to spend it with fake, vicious people and i mean...ain't nobody got time for that. at least i get a good giggle when stupid ass facebook suggests them as "people I may know." yeah, i know 'em alright. heh. 

anyway, i know who my family truly is. they're the ones who love and support me and are present in day-to-day life. they lift me up and never let me fall. they make me laugh till i cry and are just there when i need them. family isn't just the people you're related to or grow up with. 

if you pray, will you please throw a couple in for g-wan and the hub's family? and if you don't, a happy thought or a positive vibe is welcomed and appreciated. it's just a matter of time now, and then g-wan will be free. free of the physical aches and pains of mortal life, but hopefully at peace and full of love from all those who love her so. 

Comments

Post a Comment

i heart comments. i wan-na hear what you have to say.
um, i think.

Popular Posts