the bean has been boob-free for over 24 hours now. whee!
last night was rough, but we got through it with a lot of love, help and support from the hub. he's such a star. after spending most of the day at a conference for work, he arrived home after i'd managed to get the bean down for the night. she was nice and relaxed after a fun bubble bath, so she fell asleep easily after getting lotioned up and reading a book or two.
a few hours later, as per her usual, she woke up looking for a little suh-in' suh-in'. but instead of the usual routine of drowsily pulling her into bed, i picked her up to rub her back and rock her back to sleep. she didn't protest too much, but didn't fall back asleep either. the hub took her into his arms, held her close, and then she realized she'd been duped.
"mom! mom!" she wailed, and broke out into full-on bawling. with the little moonlight that came through the window, i could see her holding her little arms out towards me.
god, that was hard. i tensed on the bed, desperately wanting to take her back and hold her, at least to calm her down - and me, too. i remembered this feeling. i'd gone through it roughly 13 years ago with the teen, and it was awful. and like so long ago, i forced myself to stay put and let it happen, knowing that there was a light at the end of that dark tunnel.
it took her a full fifteen minutes to get back to sleep, and when the hub put her back down into her bed, he nudged me to move over into his usual spot. but this time, she woke back up after just a few minutes, and as she cried, he pulled her into the bed and hugged her close. and i just. couldn't. take. it. my own tears came, and as she continued to sob brokenly and make such sad little sounds, my delicate weeping turned into balls-out silent sobbing. you know the kind of crying i'm talking about - shoulders heaving, abs contracting, entire body tight with tension. i really tried to keep it quiet, because the hub had enough to deal with, but either i just suck at it or he just knows me really well. and with me on his other side, we made a hub sandwich as he continued to hold the bean and reached behind to put one sympathetic hand on me, trying his best to comfort both of us. poor, sweet guy.
i laid awake for a while after they'd both gone into a peaceful slumber, trying to focus on all the good things that would come of this process. and, well, okay, here's an awesomely vain confession: i know how my face reacts to crying. if i cry myself to sleep (which i've done a few times in my life), i wake up the next morning super puffy-eyed and the very opposite of attractive. but if i get it all out and relax a little before letting myself drift off to dreamland, it's all good.
and then i was really surprised to wake up what seemed like moments later, when the teen got up to get ready for the day. holy shit, we made it to 6:30! but wow, my chest felt (and still does) like it had a couple of boulders on it. ouch. i didn't think i'd been producing a whole lot of milk anymore, but i guess a full day of not nursing builds up a nice little supply. and here's another confession: while it's not uber comfy, i sure look good. heh. my vanity rears its ugly head yet again.
i'm a pretty light sleeper, so i'm pretty sure the bean hadn't woken up again, or at least didn't cry. her eyes popped open just a few minutes after mine, and when she crawled over her daddy to get to me, she gave me a sleepy smile and croaked out a little "hi!" and when she reached out and said "boob?" i got up, took her cup of milk out of the fridge, and brought it over to her. she sipped from it thirstily, handed it back to me, and gave me a big hug. "luh...you," she said.
i think we're gonna be okay.