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Thursday, January 31, 2008

chubby mcflabberson

apparently, that is me. oh, yes. read on:

i guess it doesn't help much that i had KFC for lunch. heh. i went for the mashed potato bowl - something i'd never tried before, but let's take a look, shall we?

mashed potatoes - good.

corn -

gravy -

popcorn chicken -

cheese -

really, what could be wrong with all that goodness, layered in that order, and in such a nice, convenient bowl? but here's the kicker: the dude at the drive-thru (yup, that's right. i didn't even haul my ass outta the car for this gastronomical gut bomb) offered me a double-chocolate cake for $1.99.

not just a slice, folks. an ENTIRE cake. for under $2. holy shit. no wonder we're all fat. it's seriously just. too. easy.

so anyway, the session with the personal trainer was
wack, yo. he had us fill out a lame questionnaire about our physical goals, the last time we were at our ideal physical shape (um, never), blah, blabbity blah. and he was so full of himself - it was nothing but "when i was body building" this and "while i was a full-time trainer" that. non-fucking-stop. and then he busted out this stupid body fat measuring tool that i think is totally bogus.

and that's NOT just because it said i'm at 26.9% body fat. i swear!

even the kid measured at over
22%. that's such total and complete bullshit.

when i was telling the hub about it later on, it occurred to me that maybe those little devices are rigged. because every gym offers a free session with a personal trainer when you join, and every trainer hands this thing to you during your "evaluation." you are then surprised and shamed at the flabby state your body is apparently in, and this makes it easier for said trainer to swoop in with a pricing sheet and schedule.

after a 10-minute warm-up on the elliptical machine, he walked us around rather aimlessly through the free weights section before settling on the compound row machine. the kid went first, did a set of reps, and then we switched places. of course, he put extra weight on for me - even knowing that i hadn't touched weights in over a year. bastard. we did a few sets before moving over to the lat pulldown, and repeated the process.

the last thing he had us do was go over to the mats and do the "superman" - where you lay on your tummy, arms out in front of you, and pull up so that your arms and legs are stretched out and off the mat. we did this a few times before heading back to his desk and getting the sales pitch.

and when he said "so which one of these programs do you want to sign up for?" i looked at him sideways and said "i'm not prepared to sign up for anything right now, i'd like to discuss it with my husband first."

and that asshole said "oh. do you let him make
ALL the decisions?" shee-it. he's lucky i didn't put a size 7 in the side of his big ol' head.

when i told the hub that fun little tidbit, he immediately wanted to know the dude's name. "what an asshole. i'll come down and give him a decision."

i was tempted to let him go off on mr. chumpy mcsucker, but i just signed up for my membership. and i'm sure i'll run into him now and then. i'd rather not have to endure any mad-dogging, you know?

and today, i'm sore as all hell. fuckin' A.


  1. i had a horrible experience with a trainer once years ago. full of himself, didn't really talk to me about why i should do one exercise over another and pushed me so hard i literally couldn't walk right for a week. it was pure hell and surprise, surprise, i never went back.

    thankfully, my current trainer is awesome! totally explained things to me when i first started with him and is more than willing to change it up when i need something different.

    sounds like that guy was an asshat! i would've wanted to smack him too. :/

  2. I'm sorry, but that picture of the kfc bowl looks like...well, gross.

    I'm cracking up about the fat machine. I think they are pretty accurate for the most part. Unfortunately anyway. I used one regularly when I was doing a weight loss program. Then I went to the gym for one of those free assessments a couple months later and it was pretty much the same. Not what I wanted it to be, but what can you do?

  3. MAN I wish I was there when the trainer pulled the "do you let him make all the decisions for you" line. I love lines like that. You know the correct response?

    "I don't need to, you just made my decision for me. You can let your boss know you blew another sale."

  4. I've never had to deal with a trainer like that because I go to an all-women gym, but I have to say that I have had sales people be totally uninterested and downright rude. Why do they think they could ever make a sale acting that way?! At least you're sore, so it must have done something.

  5. I have to ditto R about that bowl. :X

    Also, that fat tester can give you inaccurate readings if you're not totally hydrated. It basically tells you your fat percentage by shooting an electric current through your body. The slower the current is, the more fat it supposedly detects. If you're not hydrated, though, it can take longer than necessary to get the reading and therefore think you have more fat than you do.

    At least that's what I tell myself. ;)

  6. My trainer still uses that old pincher thing that they used in middle school for the fat test.

  7. I read it anyway after you told me all about it. Do i have to tell you again to join The Club?! Good lord woman and you know someone on the inside :)

  8. Why must all trainers be an ass? I finally found a good, compassionate one and then he moved. :(

  9. I too go to LA Fitness & when I first joined, I did the free session with a trainer. The guy was such a meathead. I told him that I wanted some instruction on how to use various machines (especially the ones for upper bod strength - I'm so weak!) so that when I come to the gym on my own, I would know how to use them. Well he only showed me two and had me to all this other stuff. THEN he told me to do a push-up. I can't do one push-up. At. All. Hence me wanting to use the machines for upper bod. Well, there I was, on the mat, attempting a push-up. He was all, "Man, you can't do one?!" I was all, WTF did I just say?

    Needless to say, I did not sign up for any sessions.

  10. "Go Go gadget fat buster!"
    That's all I seem to scream now-adays.

  11. I love that you went from the trainer to KFC, hysterical! KFC is a total guilty pleasure :)

  12. My FI was a trainer at 24-Hour Fitness for a short stint. He says it's a total scam, and that they're actually taught techniques (like making women feel bad about themselves) to get people to buy training hours and other products. He had to quit because he has a soul.

    And I disagree with previous commentors. That KFC pic is heaven in a bowl. I'm a little hurt that I wasn't invited to join you at KFC. That's like celebrating Christmas and not inviting Santa Claus. Should.Never.Happen.

  13. I am cracking up at "Mr. Chumpy McSucker." What a jerk!!

  14. boo! luckily the free sessions i got weren't quite as bad, and the guy didn't do the hard sell at all. he was really young and cute in a "pat him on the head" kind of way. sounds like a total buttmunch.


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