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Friday, March 14, 2008

stupid effing cake balls.

i keep forgetting why i'm no good at intricate, detailed things like cake decorating and embroidery and sewing in general: i don't have any fucking patience.

after reviewing the directions for those fabulous red velvet cake balls, i convinced myself that it'd be
totally easy - i mean, how hard could it be? well, i'll tell you - it's not really hard, but it's really freaking frustrating.

i got off to a great start - at least mixing up cake batter from a mix is idiotproof.
and then i hopped into the shower while it baked. i got ready, threw some clothes on, came out to a lovely-smelling kitchen and pulled the cake out of the oven.
i let the cake cool for a few hours - ran some errands, picked up the kid from school, took her to her tutoring session, and returned to complete the next step - mooshing the cake into crumbles with my hands. i'm such a priss, though, because i didn't want to do it barehanded. instead, i put a ziploc bag over my hand and went to work.
the next step was to mix a can of cream cheese frosting thoroughly with the crumbled cake. again, this is best done by hand, but i used two forks instead. worked just fine, and i had minimally messy digits. so far, so good.
by now, it was time to pick the kid up, so i stuck the bowl into the fridge, strapped the bean into her car seat, and took off. when i got back, i found my cookie scooper and started making cake balls.

it was all going quite swimmingly (what a stupid ass saying. and i'm lame as hell for using it), until the next step: dipping the chilled cake balls into melted chocolate. that shit is a pain in the ass. when you have balls made of crumbled CAKE and then you try to coat them in hot ass melted chocolate...that shit falls apart instantly and you end up with crap that looks like bloody turds.

fuck, man. i was planning to take half the batch to bunco night and the other half to dinner at my mom's for my sister's birthday. instead, i'm totally scrambling trying to figure something else out, because no way in hell am i taking these ugly ass bloody poop balls out in public. "yay, great to see you. i brought - these. just eat them without looking, okay?"

at least i had the kid, who "mmmmmmm"ed when she ate one, and the bean, who just giggled at me as i smiled back while uttering terrible, very un-mommy-like epithets.
hmmmmmffffppphhhhhh. [popping deformed cake ball into mouth]

mmm. at least they taste how they're supposed to. and that's what's important, right?





  1. bloody turds! i'll still eat 'em.

    next time, try this:
    stick a toothpick in the top of the truffle, dip, shake off the excess, and then once the chocolate dries you take the toothpick out and hand dip the top to cover the hole.

    hopefully it goes swimmingly. although, dunno if the cake will stay on the toothpick.

  2. Ugly ass bloody poop balls are all the rage. Didn't you know?

  3. when i was making truffles a few weeks ago, i found that after dipping a dozen or so, i needed to throw the pan back in the fridge to chill down the un-dipped ones again as they became unwieldy in the chocolate as soon as they weren't super cold. maybe that would help next time too?

  4. Shoot...send me some, I'll eat them!

    It would be like Jack in the Box tacos, they look so gross but they're oh so good!

  5. i wouldn't mind having some of those poopy balls.

  6. Now that I've seen your entire process, let me make another recommendation. After you scoop the balls, roll them in between your hands to make them smoother. That should prevent any little random cake ball pieces from falling off into the chocolate and should allow the chocolate to coat a little easier.

  7. Baking is tough stuff. Sometimes you just never know if it will turn out. Maybe you needed more frosting to stick the crumbs together? Whatever, at least they taste good.

  8. The same thing happened to me too!! And I even rolled them smooth with the palm of my hand. Out of 40 balls, only 5 looked normal. I think I will try the toothpick method next time...sounds like that will work!

    At least they tasted good so it wasn't a total loss!

  9. The hubs read this entry over my shoulder and said "HEY she hates the same part you hate!"

  10. oh no!!! what a mess! well, at least you have yummy poop balls all to yourself.

  11. Damn. I was totally planning on making these suckers to impress my husband's friends. I wonder how much it would cost to fly Nanners here . . .

  12. OK, seriously. You had me laughing at this. I could feel your frustration. Don't you remember that they weren't easy for Nanette either?

  13. Ok I'm going to try to make these but I'm going to freeze the balls b/f I dip & Dip using one of the following:

    Easter egg dye dipper thingy
    egg seperator (the best I think)

    g/l 2 me, Eeek!


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